Sync & corrections by Blue-Bird ™

Subrip by P i x

"You are not alone.
Conflict is coming."

That is the message
we received.

Conflict? Is that a threat?

No, sir. It's
more like a warning.

This message was sent to us by a
friendly alien race known as Antarians.

They wanna help us.

Do we need help?

The Antarians aren't the
only ones to have found us.

Enemies are already
on their way.

Luckily,
it's a great distance,

and it will take many years
before they can reach us.

The Antarians
have offered us a gift,

this unique suit of power that one
person will wear as our champion.

It will take many decades
to transport that suit to us

so we have selected a child

gifted with both incredible
intelligence and athletic prowess.

He will spend
his entire life training.

We will push him to achieve perfection,
and then improved perfection.

And after perfection is achieved,
we'll double the score.

As he grows more mature, we'll
test him in every way imaginable.

We will prepare him for anything
the universe can throw at him.

Yah!

Aahhh!

One final question,
what if this champion fails?

Sir, are you familiar
with the Greek hero Perseus?

When Perseus was sent forth
to defeat the Gorgon,

he was armed with four gifts
from the heavens:

The helm of Hades...

the winged boots
of Hermes...

the shield of Athena...

and the sword of Zeus.

And with the power
of these gifts combined,

Perseus was victorious.

Sir, our Perseus,
our Champion of Earth,

will not fail...

because he
will not know how to.

Perfect score, sir.

Good. Training's over.

Soon, the entire universe will know
the full potential of the human race.

LAZER TEAM

Country music

Hey there, Gloria.
Going kind of fast.

Don't make me
run you in.

God,
I hate Friday nights.

What a night here at Milford
Stadium, where the Mustangs

are up by 21 points with
two minutes left on the clock.

Ladies and gentlemen, with us tonight,
former Milford MVP, Herman Mendoza.

The Texas Tornado!

Stand up, Herman.

If he can stand.

I know that guy.

Remember, no open
containers there, Herman.

He doesn't need to be messing with
the fire water, I can tell you that.

Herman Mendoza has been known
to puke a little bit.

Where's Mindy? Mindy!

The cheerleaders are leading cheers,
everything seems to be spelled correctly,

the hot dog vendors are vending hot
dogs, and I'll tell you one thing,

the commentators are commentating.
Wouldn't you agree, Wink?

Yup.

It feels right!

Water?

Wrong team, asshole!

Awesome.

Move it!

Of course, Milford's high score
is due to their star quarterback

and sixth-year senior,
Zach Spencer.

He's got a cannon for an arm, but
he's struggled with accuracy.

Just a bit off the mark.

Well, he's been known
to gamble on big plays,

as indicated by his signature
"roll the dice" gesture.

I don't think that's what that
gesture's meant to convey.

With one minute on the clock,
Spencer fakes a hand-off,

goes out on his own!
There's the block!

That's gotta hurt.
Free and clear now.

Touchdown Mustangs!
That's gonna be the game.

An amazing play by Zach Spencer, as
he does his post-game stretching.

Always important to keep
those hips limber, Wink.

- You've no idea what you're talking about, do you?
- I do not, Wink, not at all.

I've heard people say

That we'll all find
our place someday

Hey!

You're going the wrong way!

Sorry, Sheriff.

He ain't a Sheriff, Woody.
He's a half-ass.

Bye, Sheriff Half-ass!

Yeah, it's nice
to see you too, Herman.

Goddamnit!

That's funny, guys.

Yeah!

All right, I need
to see some ID's now!

Or what, you're gonna hit us
with one of those light sabers?

Hey, we're not the George
you're looking for.

Shut up, Franksen.

All right, that's it.

Everybody out of the vehicle.

Peace out, Boba Fett.

- Damnit!
- Live long and prosper, baby!

It's not even
the right movie, Moron!

Base, this is Deputy Hagan in pursuit of
a 4-81. I need back-up assistance at...

No dice, Deputy Hagan. Sheriff wants you
out at Ruby Lake for an extraction.

For an extraction?

Base, what exactly
am I extracting?

All right. You jerkoffs
couldn't beat me on the field,

so you think you could
beat me here? I get it.

Hey, douchebag, this is
our party, all right?

Dude, I won the game.
It's my party.

- That's not how parties work, asshole.
- They're all my party!

That doesn't even
make sense...

Great. Drunk teenagers.
This will be fun.

Hey, guys, stripper's here!

All right.
Do you want Turner Bull?

Okay, let's do it. Ready?

- Wait, take it again.
- I think I blinked.

Bye, Jules.

My God! Dad, what
are you doing at this party?

I'm working, Mindy. What are
you doing at this party?

- Partying!
- There are two people in the world...

That should not see you with that beer
in your hand, your father and a cop.

And I'm both of them.

Please tell me that is not
Zach Spencer out there.

Yeah, it's him. Go easy on
him, Dad. He's kind of dumb.

All right, fine. Thanks.

Hey!

Yo, kick his ass,
kick his ass, kick his ass.

Knock-Knock!

Dude, you need to get
the hell out of here now!

Dude, you need to get the hell
out of here! How about that?

All right, lovebirds,
break it up.

- That's what I thought. Number one!
- Come on, kid, let's go.

I'm talking to you, kid!

Top of the world!

All right, that's it.

Undefeated, bitch!

Yeah!

One foot in front
of the other.

I got it! I know the feet!

Hey, see if Mindy
needs a ride, too!

Kid, you have the right
to remain silent.

- You should do that.
- Bah!

It's not funny. Stop.

All right, I know we've all
had a lot of fun tonight,

but the show's over. It's
time for you all to go home.

There's nothing else
to see here.

You're lucky I'm not taking you
in, kid. You should be arrested.

Your face should be arrested!
'Cause your face is a whore!

You should really
buckle up back there.

I'd hate to have to give
you a ticket for it.

Wait, I know you.

You're that guy that blew the
Championship game like 800 years ago!

What does everyone call you?
Has-been half-back?

No, it's Half-ass Hagan!

Seriously, dude, that hurts!

Wait, Hagan! Mindy's name...

That's right.

Mindy is my daughter.

That's why
you're trippin' on me.

Look, dude, I get it. You don't like the
idea of someone dating your daughter.

You know, kid, I raised my daughter
to be a strong, independent woman

who's capable of making
her own decisions.

That being said, as her father, sometimes
I disagree with those decisions.

Look, don't worry about it.
Mindy and I are just friends.

I mean, I haven't
even banged her yet.

God!

I should really get the
breaks checked in this car.

We're tracking an inbound UFO.
Just entered the atmosphere.

Excellent.

Men, this is a moment in time that
has been decades in the making.

Tonight, our aliens friends
will bestow upon us

a gift that will give humanity its
rightful place in the galaxy.

Tonight,
we get our champion...

Tonight, we will get
our champion...

Tonight, the Earth
will get it's champ...

Who in the hell
authorized fireworks?

What the... There's a burn
ban out here for a reason.

Hold on, kid.
Gotta make a pit stop.

Woo!

Awesome.

...looks like it's time for
another beer run, Woody.

This is only my second. How
many did you drink, Herman?

Whatever 24 minus 2 is, man!
You do the math!

You ain't never gonna figure it
out, dumbass. Light another one.

Yeah, all right.
Here we go. Come on now.

Ho-ho-ho!

Darn tree!

Woo! Yeah!

Shit!

Direct hit! Nice one, Woody!

That was nothing.

Hey!

Well, well, look who it is.

Woody, prep another one.

Stay where you are, Woody.

No, Woody, prep another one.

Look, here, Officer,
this here is private property.

Yeah, you only get to say that when
it's "your" private property, Herman.

Besides, you're
breaking the law!

Since when is blowing
shit up against the law?

Since they invented laws!

Yeah?

What do they say about this?

Add littering
to my list of offenses.

Look, you either give me the fireworks or
you can spend the night in a drunk tank!

That goes for you too, Woody.

I done that before.

Someone threw a ball
and I fell in a tub of water.

No, that's a dunk tank, Woody.
Drunk tank is jail.

I don't wanna do that.

You want the fireworks?

Fine.
I'll give you a firework.

The Mama Gigante.

The courier vessel
is arriving, sir.

All right,
this is it, everyone!

High-pressure moment.
What you gonna do, Hagan?

Herman?

Oooh...

Herman.

This gonna be a big one.

Do not light that firework.

Do it! Light that bastard!

All right, one more word
out of you and I'll...

What, you're gonna
double-arrest me?!

Herman!

...Officer Hagan?

Not now, Woody!

Herman!
Do not light that...

Too slow.
Just like always.

That's it! Come...

What is that?

You think I'm gonna
fall for...

Shit!

That is your fault! You did the
one thing I told you not to do!

I shot E.T.!
I killed E.T.!

I didn't mean to do it!

Guys, guys, guys! Help! Help!

Hagan, I promise I won't try to bang
your daughter! Third base, tops!

What in God's name was that?

What the hell was that?

That was...
Woody's fault.

My bad.

Is that it?

No, it's another spaceship that
fell out of the sky, dumbass!

I'll check it out.
You guys stay here.

Holy shit!
This is awesome!

All right. Just,
everybody calm down.

Calm down? We're gonna be rich!
That's a UFO!

A goddamn Unidentified
Flying Object!

It's not flying, Herman.

It's an Unidentified
laying on the ground Object.

All right, this is serious. We need
to... Hey, what are you doing?

Dude, taking selfies!

First people to shoot down a spaceship?
That's like a thousand likes!

It is not a spaceship!
It's military!

It probably came from the base.
And we did not shoot it down.

Woody shot it down.

Sorry, all.

I gotta be more careful.

Yeah, you're on fire, genius.

Darn fire!

Nobody shot it down,
okay? It crashed.

And if you're smart,
you'll stick to...

That a body? Nasty.

That is not a body.

Looks like...
armor.

Yeah, that is definitely
military. Zach, leave it alone.

Yeah, right. Finders keepers.
I'm hawking all this shit.

Except this one.

Daddy likes.

What else they got in there?

No, hey! Come on, guys,
could be dangerous.

You think?
That would be badass!

...come to Papa.

There's a trigger in here,
but it doesn't do anything.

Don't do that!

Yeah, this is
definitely an upgrade.

I hope you bad boys
like toe fungus.

Woody!

This is neat.
They made me wear a helmet

in elementary school,
but I outgrew it.

Come on, just put it back.

It looks like
your head's in a fishbowl.

Not again!

All right, Woody, come on!

Take that thing off for
crying out loud! Put it back!

- You too, Herman!
- I ain't taking off shit.

- Zach, what the... Give me that!
- Dude!

They're obviously supposed to go
together! Find your own, man!

Kid, I'm not trying
to take it from you!

I'm just trying
to put it back!

What you do?

I didn't do anything!

- I told you guys to put it back!
- You turned it on!

Mine's on too, man!

Aahhh!

Aahhh!

Waahhh!

Aahhh!

Aahhh!

Aahhh!

Aahhh!

Man! Feels like
my legs just gave birth!

I didn't think
it was that bad.

Whoaaaaa!!!

Aahhh!!!

Oohhh!!!

Aahhh!!!

God! I think
it ate my brain!

Greetings, O Champion.

Dude, I told you
it was aliens!

Greetings to you, gross alien whose
planet I don't know the name of.

We are Earthlings
from planet Earth.

- Woody, you're talking to a recording.
- Right.

Greetings, recording
from the planet Record.

The Antarian Federation bestows
upon you this Suit of Power.

Suit of Power?

A great battle awaits you.

The fate of your world
lies in your hands.

Our enemy is powerful, but a
true champion will prevail.

That's gonna get him
mad at you!

Prepare yourself. And good
luck, Champion of Earth.

Conflict is coming.

Conflict is coming?
Well, then Herman is leaving.

I ain't got no time
for conflict.

Hold on a second.

My limp! It's gone!

Check me out!
My limp is gone!

It's a Christmas miracle!

Back in the game!!

What's the matter, Chubs,
you stuck?

Are you?

Shit! My throwing arm!
How do we get these things off?

I'm never taking
these off, baby.

I think I...

got it!

My God!

Are you kidding me!

Now that's a firework!

My car!

Guys...

my helmet says "warning"
and it's pointing up.

You think it's trying
to warn me about my brain?

No!

A shield!
That's awesome!

If you don't have
a gun that shoots lasers!

We gotta get this stuff off!

Hell no!

I'm freaking' never taking
this off! I'm like Iron Man!

Come on, man, hold on!

Herman?

Hey, you guys see that?

No, we didn't.

Wee, I was running fast.

- All right, we gotta get this off!
- No, no!

- I'm not taking shit off!
- Guys, the helmet's talking to me again.

It says there will be
an immediate treat.

Are we getting treats?

Come on! Come on!
All right, move it!

Hands in the air!
Do not move!

Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

Sir, they've donned the suit.
How should we proceed?

Damnit! Incapacitate them!

No, don't do that!

Why don't you
incapacitate this!

Zach!

I'm a police officer!
I was just in the process of...

- Okay, that was an accident!
- Take them down, now!

Open fire!

Gotta fix this!

Did we take him out?

No, I think
he just fainted.

Take him out again.

Take him out again!

Stop resisting!

There's not gonna be
any treats, is there?

Woody! Come on, guys,
he's half brain damaged already!

Bag 'em up, men!

The bag won't fit!

Sir, he's unbaggable.

Just get him in the truck.

Get him in the truck.

You know what,
you're all under arrest!

"UFO spotted in Milford"?

Crazy.

Zach? And Dad?

My God.

After multiple reports of a UFO
sighting in Milford, Texas,

a Twitter post
showing several men,

at what appears to be the
crash site, has gone viral.

Calling themselves
"Lazer Team".

Could this be first contact
with an alien race?

I'm sorry, I just
don't believe in aliens.

I've seen better alien
technology at Comi-Con.

You'd have to be crazy
to think these guys are legit.

You all thought I was crazy, but you're
the ones in your little mind prisons.

You know what? You know
who's free? Lazer Team!

Lazer Team, that's who!
Yeah! Yeah!

No.

What a bunch of morons!

They left me my laser gun! I
could just blast us out of here!

Then blow
this whole place up!

What the hell? Holy shit!

I think they gave me amnesia!

Anesthesia.

Localized to disable
our extremities. Blurp!

W-what did I just say?

My arm's numb, too.

Clearly, they have paralyzed
the parts of our body...

Shut up, dude!
Y'all stupid. I'm out.

Like your boots. Probably should've waited
till I finished talking to do that.

Why are we here?

You're here to talk.

At approximately 23:00 hours,

you not only managed
to crash an alien spacecraft,

but you also commandeered a highly
classified weapon system. How?

Fifth Amendment, bitch.

In addition

we would like to exercise
our right to an attorney

and trial by a jury
of our peers. Blurp!

Yeah, man, we know our rights.
My taxes pay your salary, buddy!

Mr. Mendoza, you haven't
paid taxes in 15 years.

It's a figure of speech.

This isn't a game.

Who's this douchebag?

This douchebag is the
rightful wearer of that suit.

I'm the Champion of Earth!

You look like the champion
of swim team.

Where's your junk
in that thing!

It's cool, man. We're all
champions, dude. The alien told us.

What alien?

The Antartican guy.

From the planet Record...
Antaria. Blurp!

There was a hologram
came out.

It said that there's some
kind of battle coming?

In less than five days,
an alien warrior will arrive

to do battle with whoever is
wearing this suit. To the death.

Okay, the hologram
left that part out!

Gentlemen, this is not a game.

This alien species,
the Worg, they're called,

they're on a crusade to eradicate
any race they deem weak.

Seventeen civilizations
destroyed.

And now they're demanding to do
battle with the Earth Champion

to determine the fate
of our planet.

Like the ancient Hebrew
account of David versus Goliath.

Yes. And as David needed his
slingshot, we need our Suit of Power.

All right, well then hop to it,
take the pieces off of us,

put them on Hitler Youth
over here, and let us bounce!

They can't take the pieces off.
If they could...

they would've done it
while we were knocked out.

The suit has a protection
mechanism built into it.

It genetically locks onto whoever
puts it on and activates it.

I assure nobody is happy
about this situation.

But the fate of the Earth
hangs in the balance.

You do want to save
the planet, don't you?

This planet? A little bit.

There's a lot of jackasses.

- What?
- Sir, you told me to let you know...

If any of the media outlets
reported on the incident.

Who picked it up,
local news or national?

Both, sir. But it's
worse than we thought.

It's on Facebook.

Are you kidding me?

My mom shared it.

You posted a threat to
national security on Facebook?

Nobody told me not to do that.

I told him not to do that.

What's the Lazer Team?

Dude, that's us!

That's what I named us when
we got our badass alien gadgets.

- You spelled "laser" wrong.
- How would you know, water boy?

Delete it.

Okay, that has 1200 likes.

No way. The last time I had a
photo with over a thousand likes

was when I accidentally posted a
picture of my penis in a hot dog bun.

Delete it or I'll delete you.

...you better do
what he say.

All right.

Congratulations, gentlemen.

You're now officially
part of Project Perseus.

Training begins at 05:00.

Training?

And do me one favor,
try not to get us all killed.

- You guys are trending, by the way.
- What? Nice.

Can I friend you?
If that's a... no.

I'll be on the other
side of the window

if you need me.

You expect me to train these idiots that
literally stole my birthright from me?

I've worked my entire life
for this.

That is exactly
why they need your help.

You're the only one experienced
enough with this equipment

to teach them
how to use it in time.

Four days? I've trained
every day for decades.

Adam, is this
about the planet or you?

Without me,
there is no planet!

When Perseus was sent forth
to defeat the Gorgon,

he was armed with four gifts
from the heavens:

A sword, boots...

a helmet and a shield.

With these gifts
he was victorious.

You'll now begin your formal
training to utilize your...

gifts.

You only have four days until
the Worg Champion arrives

to kill you
and destroy our planet.

We start now.

Pardon me, old chap.
I have a question, if I may.

It can wait. Fair play.

I got a question.

Why the hell does he
sound British now?

Woody's helmet is making him
more intelligent over time.

Yeah, Woody's a stupid person,

and that's what stupid people
think smart people sound like.

So, basically, it's just dumb
Woody's version of smart Woody.

What? That's idiotic!

Precisely.

Nah, that makes sense, man.

How's that make sense!

Hey, whassup, girl?
My name's Herman.

That's enough!

Let's get started.

Anthony Hagan, test number one.

The Repulsor Defensive Gauntlet
produces an energy shield

impenetrable
by any manmade weapon.

Your first test is to stop
the incoming projectiles.

Yeah, I just have a quick question
before we begin. How exactly...

Oohhh!!!

Yeah! Yeah! Best test ever!
Run it back! Run it back!

Man,
I freakin' love science.

Next!

Test number 17. Use the
Particle Acceleration Gauntlet

to destroy the targets by firing

concussive blasts of plasma
at varying intensities.

- Let's go with the lower power.
- Low? Get the hell outta here!

I know what I'm doing. Let's
crank this baby up to a hund...

Next!

Test number 43.

Use the Positronic Helmet
to locate the targets.

The visor is specifically
equipped with zoom, targeting,

and other visual enhancements.

My God! Guys!

What the hell is your problem?

Looks like a malfunction with the
helmet. I got a tool for this.

- Turn it off! No!
- Keep your head still.

I wish I was dead!

Next.

It's so close!

Test number 124.
Use the Quantum Boots

and jump over all of the hurdles
before the buzzer sounds.

Excuse me, you can't smoke
on this course.

Word? Watch me.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Dude, you were supposed
to jump over the hurdles.

Put him on a special diet.
No smoking, no drinking.

Just kill me now.

Next!

Next.

Next.

Next. Next. Next.

Next. Next!

- Sleep tight, Lazy Team.
- See you tomorrow.

Four hours!

That was awful.

I haven't run that fast since
Half-ass Hagan ruined my life.

Yes, this level of rigorous
training can be difficult.

Woody, you didn't do anything! All
you did was see some naked people!

I also had to perform an
enormous amount of calculations.

Well, that sounds brutal.

I thought it was
pretty impressive.

No, this is impressive.

Where'd you get that?

Where do people get anything? I stole
it. I think I'll give Mindy a call.

God. Please don't do that.

Watch this.

You ever wanna see how bad a girl wants
you, just see how long she says "Hey".

Hey?

Yeah. Hey's like "what's up?"

But "Heeey!" means I like you.
Anything more than that

and you know she wants to see
your penis in a hot dog bun.

- Zach?
- Hey, Mindy.

Heeeeeeeeeeey!

Wait, is that blood
on your shirt? Are you okay?

Yeah. Long day. I met some
aliens and got a laser gun,

then the military picked us up, and now they're
training us to save the world and stuff.

All I did today was eat FroYo.

That's awesome! I love FroYo!

After I kick the crap out of these aliens
that are trying to destroy the planet,

I'm totally getting some
FroYo.

That's it?

FroYo is tasty.

Hey, is my dad there?
Is he okay?

Yeah. But his piece
of the armor kinda sucks,

so I'm not sure if he's gonna
make the final Lazer Team.

Look, Zach, my dad
may not be very strong,

or brave, or smart,
but he is really good at...

I love you too, sweetie.

This is just
like camping, guys.

No one ever invites me camping. I
know I was ordered to be here...

Franksen, shut up!

I'm just saying.

Hey, Mur. Why they got us out here all
night guarding this damn wreck ship?

Top secret stuff, refry.
They need their best on it.

Oohhhh...

Besides, beats patrol duty.

What the hell was that?

Let's go have a looksee,
dickholes.

Franksen, stay!

You guys sure
you don't need...

Stay, Frank.

Okay. Careful, guys.
There's possums and... stuff.

I'll be damned. More alien
stuff. I'll radio it in.

Or... maybe
we take a look first.

See if this one's got any of them
fancy gadgets those morons got.

...baby.

Careful, Mur!

What's that?

Mur, what is that?

Mur, what is that?
Get it off!

Get it off me!

Aahhh!!! Aahhh!!!

Aahhh!!!

Guys?

Hey, guys!

You guys okay?

Geez.
I thought something bad...

Adam?

No.

Adam!

I'm done! I'm not doing it.

Will you just listen?

We can cut the pieces off.

No. Jenkins was wrong...

How can you say he's wrong?

He said we could do it!

We do that, we have nothing!

The suit is meant
to work as a unit.

We separate the pieces,
they're not as powerful.

You can forget about using
the dark matter ray,

or any of the other
higher suit functions.

They won't make it.

Make them make it!

That's your job.

My job is to be
Champion of Earth.

That job was taken by the four
men sitting down in the brig!

Get used to it.

They'll fail...

and then we'll have
to cut those pieces off.

I guarantee it.

They'll fail, and then we'll
have to cut those pieces off.

Thanks.

Everybody's sound asleep?
The Lazer Team angels?

They look precious.

What's that then?

Your new uniforms.

Specially formulated by the U.S.
Military with advanced microfibers.

And they are
not anti-flammable.

So they are flammable.

They will not retard flames.

Most clothing's flammable. It's
like, why even mention that?

File this under "most clothing"
then, because these will burn.

Are you expecting us
to catch on fire?

I should go.

What are you looking at?

I said, open the door!

All right. For today's test,

you will learn a higher suit function
known as the Dark Matter Ray.

Accessible only
when the suit is used...

in unison.
What-what's the problem?

This thing's
riding up my gooch!

Half this suit's inside me!

I feel like I'm wearing
a baby's onesie!

Deal with it. Aren't you guys supposed
to be some kind of superhero thing?

Laser Squad?

It's Lazer Team!

Why the hell are we
Lazer Team?

Because I have a laser!

But the rest of us don't.

Right, you're the team part.

Screw that! Boot Group!

"Helmet Boy and Friends"?

I think we should be "The Marvelous
Shield". Now hear me out on this...

- God, that's lame.
- You come up with something better!

I did, "Lazer Team"!

Nobody cares
about your stupid name!

Can we focus
on what we're here for?

Which is
to save the planet.

Now, the most important
thing to keep in mind is

when that first wave
comes out...

Zachary, do not react. I'm
talking to you telepathically.

Are you really?
That's badass!

Shut up and listen!

Now, during the first wave...

Don't panic. I'm talking
to all of you right now.

This is weird.

My helmet's abilities are growing as
they adjust to me, but this is all new.

I've made this place
so we can talk mentally.

I'm not sure how long I can do it, but
I need to tell you guys something,

so everyone concentrate.

Yeah, everybody concentrate.

Nobody think about
anything weird.

Are you thinking
about... you know.

- No.
- Yeah, you are!

We can see you
thinking about it!

Now you are too!

You made me think it!

I can't stop it, either.

Guys, I overheard
a conversation.

Adam wants to sabotage us.

He wants the pieces for himself.

If we don't pass
the tests today,

they're gonna cut the pieces
off. Just pay attention!

I'll stop thinking about it!

Just let me come up with
something else. I got it.

You gotta be...

Hi, Daddy.

...which is why
the Dark Matter Ray may be

the only thing strong
enough to defeat the Worg.

Let's try it.
Just remember what I said

and you should be fine.
Ready?

Begin.

Come here, you son of a bitch!

Throw them
back in their cells.

Yo, man! Why you
doing me like this?

Why you guys
got me like this?

Well, that can't have
helped our chances.

Don't worry,
we'll be fine!

Fine? According to Woody, we are
literally on the chopping block.

I wouldn't be surprised if somebody came
in here any minute now and took us away.

You're being ridiculous. They
need us! There's no way...

Hey, are you guys...
the Champion of Earth?

Yeah.

We're as close
as you're gonna get.

Okay, well...
It's time for your...

Jesus.

Your physical.

You were saying?

Dr. Flannigan to the O.R.,
please.

Dr. Flannigan to the O.R.

All right. Patient number one,
step right through here.

Don't worry, Woody.
You'll be okay.

Patient number two,
right there.

Patients number three and
four, right this way, please.

In here?

We're together?

I ain't going in there.

Hey, man! Hey!

Hey, man, you a good doctor or
you one of them crazy doctors?

You a bad doctor.

We were told
this was just a physical.

We don't actually need
these restraints, do we?

It's for your own safety.

Well, that didn't make me
feel very safe.

Hagan! I gotta
tell you something.

I just want you to know
I've always hated you!

I've always hated you
the most!

Not now, Herman!

This all your fault!

If you would've just leave me and Woody
alone, none of this would've ever happened!

But no, you had to take my ass
on a space adventure!

Now they gonna cut my legs
off! I'll be two feet shorter.

You, sir, are a bitch!

Herman, you just need...

to shut the hell up!

Sorry.

I saw the whole thing.
That was self-defense.

I can't believe I'm gonna say
this, but good job, Hagan!

Come on, get me now! Get me!

- Hold still.
- No, you don't need that!

- Just unbuckle me!
- No, there's no time.

There was time to unbuckle...!

Aahhh!!!

I think I need a new gown.

Nah, you're fine. Here. Get
dressed. Let's go find Woody.

And the kid!

Let's not get
too far ahead of ourselves.

Okay, so we get a cab, take her back
to the trailer park, all right?

One thing leads to another, we end
up on my water bed making out.

Pretty great. Take her top
off, wouldn't you believe it,

she had a tattoo of Adolf
Hitler on her left boob,

and another one of Joseph
Stalin on her right.

Dr. Marquee
to the Psychiatric Ward.

Dr. Marquee
to the Psychiatric Ward.

Aahhh!!!

Hey, hey, hey!

Get your pants on!

Hey, kid, you free?

Yeah. I used the laser
gun to get my cuffs off.

Where's your orderly?

Yeah, he went away
someplace.

What's that dust?

Nobody.

I mean... nothing.

This is never gonna work.

Slow down, y'all!

Push with two hands!

I only have one hand!

- I only have one hand, too!
- Your other hand's inside that freakin' hand!

What is this?

This is one of the spacesuit guys.
Yeah, he just keeled over and died.

The really fat gross one just shit
himself and then just collapsed.

Yeah, I would've been
embarrassed to die that way,

- just fat and covered in your own crap.
- Absolutely.

It's disgusting. You can
take a look if you want to,

as long as you don't mind lots of
shit and grossness on a big fat body.

We'll pass. Move along.

You sure?

You can dive in there.

Move along! Get out!

Thanks, fellas. Good work.

God bless America.

What has happened
to Boot Group, man?

Shut up!

Don't worry,
this won't hurt a bit.

Aahhh!!! Aahhh...

Woody, get up! We need...

My God!
They took his head!

Hey, guys.

Aahhh!!!

Kill it! Kill it!
My God, they took my arm!

How am I just noticing this!

Aahhh!!!

Why? Why?

Aahhh!!!

Guys, relax, it's fine.

Seems Stealth Mode isn't entirely
effective when fractured.

Is anyone hurt?

I'm fine.

I'm a hundred percent.

Yeah, I'm good.

Hey, thanks. I'm good, too.

All right, guys, hurry up.

They're gonna figure out
we're gone any... second.

- Now what!
- Don't worry, I know the way.

Okay, this should be
the quickest way out!

Bollocks!

Woody, can you put a computer
hack on the mainframe?

Screw that! I'll just
blast it at full power.

Great job, kid. You hit
everything but the goddamn door.

What the hell's
this door made of?

Where you going?

Give me my suit.

You can have the suit!

Ain't nobody wants your suit!
Boots, do something!

All right...

You're just wasting time!

That's
quite impressive.

Whoaaa!!!

Whaaa!!!

Hey,
you wanna give me a hand?

Thanks.

Everyone join together.

What?

How are you doing this?

You're not supposed to be able
to do that with the shield.

Guess we're working together.

Teamwork and shit!

You're not a team!
You're a joke!

You idiots think
you can save the planet?

The only champion
this planet has is me!

That's what you get for
messing with Lazer Team, bitch!

All right! Great job, Zach!
Good work, everybody. Let's...

...All right, let's go.

Zach!

Crap!

Find them.

Attention all soldiers. The
Perseus Project has escaped.

I repeat,
Lazer Team is on the loose,

and they're considered
armed and dangerous.

Shit! They're everywhere!
We'll never get past them all!

Speak for yourself.

Hey, isn't Woody supposed
to be like MacGyver now?

Just build us a hovercraft out
of paper clips or some shit.

Does anyone remember
where we left that gurney?

And that cat tells the baby,
"What? No you didn't!"

Cat nap? More like
cat "snap!" Am I right

Web Bomb.

Now, I know you people approve of
these four fools on the Internet

calling themselves
"Lazer Team".

They're on Facebook, they're on
Instagram, they're on Snapchat,

and, Jimmy Kimmel, I know it's
you, man! Come on, quit playin'!

I ain't no fool!
Fool me once, shame on me.

Fool me twice,
shame on Jimmy Kimmel!

Are you Mindy Hagan? We'd like
to ask you some questions.

All right, we can hide out here,
but don't touch anything.

It's my ex-wife's cabin.
If you break something,

I'd hate to have
to pay for this place twice.

God, it's like a Hobby
Lobby threw up in here.

Yeah, man, is this your ex-wife's
place or your grandma's?

Let's just say
she has very classical taste.

This is Mindy's mom?
Nice. I see where she gets it.

Put it down! Now!

Guys, if this countdown
is correct,

this alien Worgle thing
is gonna be here in two days!

Right! So we just chill out here,
let this whole thing blow over.

Blow over?
That's not what we're doing.

It's not?

No!

Statistically, the best option for the
planet was to let the military amputate.

A choice I found disagreeable, given
my zero percent survival rate.

Well, not zero. Zero would be the absolute
certainty that I wouldn't survive,

when naturally there is an
infinitesimally small chance I might...

Woody.

Sorry.

Let the government handle this.
That's why we vote for them.

You don't vote, Herman.

It's a figure of speech!

Guys, we took
their Suit of Power.

We're morally obligated
to do something.

Don't lecture me! Only reason we're in
this predicament is because of you!

Man, only reason I'm in this
bullshit little town, you!

Zachary, is that you?

Yeah. Damn, Mindy, you look
good! Is that cheetah print?

It is an Earth leopard.
Thank you.

Do you still possess the
Particle Acceleration Gauntlet?

What, the laser gun? Hell yeah.
You like that, baby?

I like that very much.

What is your location?
So we can meet and then mate.

Are you serious?

Absolutely.

It is important that we do that.
But first we must meet.

We're just hanging out
at your mom's old cabin.

I should be there soon.

I'm excited and plan to be
very fertile upon arrival.

Yes!

I love this thing!

Attention all units.
The Perseus Project is loose

and they're considered armed and
dangerous, so proceed with caution.

Please keep your head on a...
Shit.

My boss is here.
Guys, I gotta call you back.

General Cale.
I wasn't expecting you.

Emory, we appreciate your
dedication to this project,

but we're moving ahead
with the contingency plan.

General, I appreciate that,
but I have the utmost confidence

that we're gonna be able
to get this thing under control.

I feel that
once the Lazer Team...

What did you
just call them?

I meant the prisoners.
Once apprehended...

Enough!

Sir.

Bill! We need to try
fighting this alien first,

before we launch a nuclear weapon
that just kills millions of people!

Prepare the nuke.
We've got a planet to save.

And more importantly,
a nation.

Dude, what's his problem?

Who, Herman?

Yeah. He acts like Half-ass Hagan's the
worst thing that's ever happened to him.

But they must've been friends
at some point. Look.

Yeah. Herman doesn't really
ever talk about it.

It's complicated.

Complicated? Like gay?

No. Why would you
assume gay?

Well, you paused.
Seemed like a gay pause.

What's a gay pause?
It was a regular pause.

Whatever. I'm gonna
find out what happened.

No, don't get up, guys.

Just somebody knocking on the
door of our secret hideout.

Mindy!

Hello, Father.

How did you find us?

I communicated with Zachary.

Really?

He's one
of the Earth Champions.

That was a really formal
way of saying that.

I purchased food
as a form of distraction.

Food! My God! Thank you,
I'm starving! Come on in.

Thank you so much.

Hey, Mindy.

Hello, Zachary.

Y'all eating in here?
All right!

I hate to interrupt, but may I
have a moment in private with you?

...yeah. Sure.

It's best for us to be alone
so that no one can monitor

things I'm going
to say and do to you.

Where your daughter at?

Before we do this,
I have to tell you something.

I know you think I'm like
a stud, and I am,

but I've never actually
been with a girl.

But I totally practice
on myself all the time,

and I'm pretty sure
that counts.

And it's not that I don't want to
bang you, I mean, I absolutely do.

But I also like you. Maybe
those are connected somehow.

I don't know.
Does that make sense?

Thank you, God.

What the hell?

Have you been working out?

Give it to me.
Give it to me now!

You like it rough?

Too rough! Too rough!

Jesus, Mindy!

What do you want?

I want what you have.

Give it to me, Zachary!
Or I'll rip it off!

Are you serious?

Aahhh!!!!

Zachary?

All right, maybe we should
just be friends!

Now he's a happy little tree. He was
sad till we put some leaves on him.

But in our world,
everything's happy.

Clouds are one of the freest
things in nature.

Hey, man, look. I don't like
you, but this is embarrassing.

Damnit, Mindy!

Your grandkid
gonna come out half laser.

All right. That's it.
I can't take it anymore.

Mindy!

Jesus!

God, no, I'm gonna throw up!
My God! No, no, no!

Mindy?

Mindy, honey, are you okay?
What did you do to her?

Y'alls relationship is complicated.
What you need to do is talk it out.

Herman, look out!!

Zach, no! Don't lay
a hand on my...

daughter.

Mindy, no, no, no, wait!

Aahhh!! Oohhh!!

Woody!

Aahhh!!!

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey!
No, no, no, no!

Zach, don't hurt her!

She's gone crazy!

She's possessed, Zach!
That thing on her neck!

Herman, use the tape!

Screw that! Nobody
possesses my girlfriend!

I'm your girlfriend?

Well, yeah...

Yeah, that's my girl!

Herman, now!

Mindy! I got her. Come on. We need
to get this thing off of her!

W-w-wait!

I am Woodrow, a Champion of
Earth. To whom are we speaking?

I know this device
is monitored.

This one is now
a servant of the Worg.

Those the bad guys.

Thanks for the update, Herman.

It is our planet or yours,
and it will be yours.

What are you talking about? We don't
want your planet! We just want peace!

The Loodels wanted peace.
Now they are nothing.

No, it doesn't have
to be like that! Nobody...

Zach, no!

What you do that for,
you bellhead!

To kill the alien bug thing that was making
my girlfriend like my ex-girlfriends!

We were negotiating with it!
You just destroyed

our means to communicate
with the Worg!

My bad.

Hey, why's that thing
making a beeping noise?

No! It's got
a self-destruct mechanism!

What do we do?

You guys get her out of here!

Go, go, go, go!

I guess it's not gonna blow...

Aahhh!!!!

What took you so long,
Half-ass?

Hagan, you're alive!

Yeah, that's the bad news.
The good news

is you can spend the rest of your life earning
the money to buy your ex a new house!

Daddy, what are you doing here?

Wait... what am I doing here?

Those headlights?
The military!

No, guys? Those soldiers are
possessed by Worg parasites, too!

They're trying to sabotage us!

Everybody, get in the truck!
Now!

Mindy, come on! Go!

Go! Come on!

Somebody's gonna have
to get out and push!

Screw you guys!

Go, go, go!

Boot Group!

Herman, you're doing it!

No shit I'm doing it!

Faster, Herman!
They're gaining on us!

I'm pushing a truck, man!

What the hell is going on!

No time to explain! You were
possessed by an alien probe,

and now we're being
chased by four soldiers

who also appear to have been
possessed in the same way!

I guess there was
time to explain.

Faster, Herman!
Use those power thighs!

Faster, fat-ass!

Man, you get out and push!

Board the truck!

They're coming up on our ass!

Herman, I'm coming!

Take them out!

No, wait! Maybe we can...

Yeah!

Hey, dickhead! Knock-knock!

Hagan, there's a low-hanging
obstacle you should look out for!

What did you say?

Never mind!

Yeah!

Kill them all!

Goddamnit!

I think we've agitated them!

Destroy the truck!

Get them, Zachary!

I got this!

Down, Herman!

Don't miss! Don't miss!

Don't move!

Bloody hell!
You missed them!

Never mind. Good job.

Great job, kid!

Yeah!

Take that
you sons of bitches!

Two million views and counting.

Damnit! What the hell is it with
these kids and the Internet?

They were actually
working together.

It's unbelievable.

You guys wanna see a video
of a guy eating a tennis shoe?

Keep going, Herman.
Good job, Herman. Yes!

Just keep pushing.
Just a little bit further.

Keep it coming. Just a
little... Okay. All right.

Wait. Our high school? Woody, what
the hell's the matter with you?

Why not just
steer us towards prison?

Guys, I'm picking up
a transmission.

You all should hear this.

- In here.
- Wait!

We have a computer lab
at the school?

Nerds must love this place!

Don't you go to school here?

You are looking live
at Milford, Texas.

This is truly
a landmark event, Janine.

The craft descended
only a few minutes ago,

but already has altered the
course of human history forever.

And to anyone
who's ever wondered,

are we alone in the universe?

There's your answer.

Man, look at the size
of that thing!

Janine,
something is happening.

It appears the ship
has beamed something down.

It's some sort of force field.

Earth mongrels, the battle for
your world will soon begin.

Bring your pitiful champions
to the field of battle.

A failure to appear
will be considered forfeit,

followed by the destruction
of your entire planet.

You have 24 hours to comply.

We are Worg.
We are your destruction.

What a dick!

Don't worry, Mindy, we'll
do something. Right, guys?

Nuh-that's it for me.
I'm out.

You're out? Herman, the
whole planet's involved!

We've done this before,
Half-ass. You and me.

We know how this goes.

Done what?

It was 20 years ago,
State Championships.

They called me
the Texas Tornado.

I had a full
scholarship all set up.

We were 10 yards
from a perfect record.

Hut, hut!

Hagan had to block one guy.

He missed. I got blindsided.

Lost the championship,
and I never...

Your limp.

I lost everything!

My scholarship,
my future, my dream!

Because somebody who was
supposed to be my friend...

supposed to have my back,
wasn't there!

We weren't champions then, and we sure
as hell ain't gonna be champions now!

Amy wants to fight these things?
Man, I say let them.

I'm sitting this one out.
You can block for somebody else.

Don't you understand that we
have a second chance here?

You're not strong enough
to block with the shield!

It's gonna be a two-hit fight!

The Worg hits you,
you hit the ground!

Then he hits me
and I'm dead!

That's more than two hits.

Shut up, Woody!

Herman, I cannot change
what happened in the past.

All I can do is make
things better now.

No matter what comes your
way, I will block it.

What...!

Hey, nice block, asshole!

No! That is not my fault! I
didn't know we were starting!

Shut up! Damnit!

I'm out, bitch!

We'll be all right!

Just stick together!

Daddy!

Zach, make it!

Mindy, wait!

Why does everything
always explode?

Mindy?

Crap! It's this asshole.

Gotcha!

Shit!

Goddamnit, Woody!

Shit!

Come on.

Nice try... Champ.

Mindy!

Dickhead!

Run, run, run! Come on!

Don't look back!

Why would I look back?

Aahhh!!!

Aahhh!!!

Come on, come on, come on!

Aahhh!!!

Aahhh! Bugger me!

Yes!

Meant to do that, bitch!

No, wait. Mindy, Mindy,
stop, stop, stop.

Okay, we're good. Come on.

Wait, wait, wait!

We want the suit!

Just stop! Just let her go!

I want the suit!

Woody, where's Mindy?

- A possessed soldier has her.
- What? Where?

Is that Hagan?

Come on, I've got an idea.

I hate when you have ideas.

Just calm down. You don't
wanna do this, okay?

Between you and me, right?

We will destroy you

like we've destroyed
all the others.